Pain is something odd, especially chronic pain, because it is something that is impossible to quantify, impossible to explain without feeling forced to justify it to someone else, and largely invisible. You experience it alone, and it’s impossible to share it, the physical feelings, or the feelings and moods that become steeped in the physical pain, with anyone else. All consuming, yet bothersome and disappointing when this becomes more of a lifestyle than a one-night stand to others. I personally always feel like I am doubted, seen as making excuses, disbelieved, and in a position to justify and quantify what can’t be.
It would be nice to muse philosophically about my chronic pain; how the universe really socked it to me when my biggest medical decision at the time was the how and when’s of a ‘needed’ rhinoplasty, and the deliberation over a return to sex work in fetish porn came to an abrupt halt considering the contortion that goes along with physically abusive (‘demanding’) shoots.
But that would require the focus and sanity that comes from not having that pain sucking all your mental and physical energy.
Instead, I will detail what, as of today, I understand to be the ideal start to my day if I am to get anywhere or do anything.
Wake. I will probably be on the floor, on my lush pallet of yoga mats and comforters. Once made hastily in the early morning hours after wrestling with pain in bed, its really become a fixture now. Usually both are slept in alternatively a few times in the course of one night.
Take one type of pain medication. Roll around and whine some, each movement articulated by sharp, shooting pains. Decide on another type of pain medication. Mixing pain medications is like a crap shoot for which mix is going to let you walk. What a fabulous prize.
Skip showering and hunch over sink for a quick face wash.
Shuffle downstairs for the icepack in the freezer.
Let dog out. No more early morning walks for you, pookie!
Eat breakfast and consider getting dressed. In figuring out what to wear, I long for muumuus, something that I can just lift my arms to effortlessly enter. Shoes that I can slip into. Dressing that requires no bending, just sliding into loose fitting things from an erect posture.
Fall behind.
Call to cancel things.
Not have calls returned in a timely manner from medical health professionals.
Feel exhausted and go lay down. Lay in bed, ice pack still intact and write this blog.
With a sleeping dog by my side, I’m sure we are both yearning for the same things.
We both yearn for days full of regularity, schedule, ease, I at least know that I am trying to remember what life was life before all of this.
I’m sure what we are both yearning for is spending these summer days outside.
